midlife crisis when the fog lifts

Unfortunately the spouse is the unwitting victim. I just want my husband back. I felt like he was having his cake and eating it too. THAT sets a fire inside me and I just cannot help but start to ask him questions, which annoy him and he starts saying :This will never end. And honestly, I do understand where hes coming from with some stuff. I told him I will never be able to stop loving him if I see him all the time. When we first separated for the most part he seemed okay, he wanted to come here every night to see the baby, but he would leave and he seemed to be fine and it killed me. He went out after work, didnt call or text me, didnt come home until 2am. SERIOUSLY?! No matter the outcome you will look back and be glad you did. I had enough, limbo stage is just too torturous for me. I never thought my life could take this kind of turn, and when it took this turn, I NEVER thought that this many months later I would still be in a position of heading towards divorce, when I know thats not what I want, but I fear he will do it just bc he doesnt know how to fix it and doesnt want to right now. And if you reconcile I suggest a post nup as one of the conditions. From what you describe he has serious issues. Yeah, did not like that. Even if illegal or in our case, immoral and against the M. The stupid thing is my H was ready to run off into Fantasyland with the OW. He fantasized about escape. Im sure im going to be extremely sad and depressed about this in a days time, I know its going to be so hard. He came to me that he has symptoms of Chlamydia and implied that I gave it to him but I checked myself and I dont have it. And that week he just seemed to be so distraught, texting me non stop, telling me how scared he was about everything, how hes not ready to divorce, etc. At that time, 18 months ago, He walked into rehab wanting to win his wife back and he walked out with a girlfriend. I got the baby in the stroller and I went for a run. I know down the road he would regret it. My H unleashed 25 years of anger and frustration at me while in the fog. Mine also admitted to me that he was having an EA, and cried and told me he was scared. My H early on was hoping I would demand a D so he could be with the OW but not have any blame. So again, after a few weeks we decided he would leave again, which was 2 weeks ago, and he never left. I did not over react. Damn, if I could only have had suspicion and investigated. I told him it seems much more like he wants the bar life. You are wasting your time. It was definitely the biggest argument we have had in a long time. So you have some idea of what you are facing like if you split up and its a no fault divorce state what is the % you get for alimony and what % for child support etc. You have a good head on your shoulder and remember your daughter needs her mother because you are the stability in her life. But is there anything I can do that can get him out of this addiction, or do I just have to try to focus on me and do the 180 and hope he comes around and opens his eyes. Its RUDE to go out all night and not even inform me when we live in the same house and im at home raising the baby. Yes it might be indeed. He was kicking me to the curb but when I asked him to leave he realized I was out of patience. Walk on D-day and dont look back. I cant live every single day not knowing where his head is and then have him come here every night like were a family. I feel so vulnerable and im always assuming hes just walking all over me and I dont even know if he is. You can get past this. I asked him if he would be willing to go, and he said yes. I really told myself I would do this 180 and stick to it, and then again this week I asked him to show me his phone and told him I know he is speaking with her, even though I dont know that. My H never complained he had no freedom. He now has a new respect for me AND he knows I could walk out the door anytime b/c I am strong enough to do it. Has giveN you some great advice. And if there is any contact whatsoever you should not waste your time and energy on her or the marriage right now. All of your responses and advice on this page seem to be so great, and I am going through a similar situation I could really use some advice on. Not that it matters anyway. I loved him but I could no longer live with his infidelity (having been told in one day that he wanted a D, didnt want a D and wanted to be with me while dumping the OW and trying to cover it all up so I would have no idea). And then I lost all that power the minute I invited him back. I keep hoping he wakes up and gets it. But no matter what you do his decisions are his own choices and he cannot blame you for any thing that happens as a result of his cheating. I feel like I hate the guy! She is engaging with your H inappropriately. Im not saying he is but he is acting like one. Something my sister used to do when she worked in HS in a bakery. I feel like he is just going on with his days totally fine. So I demanded the post nup. He has no right to put you in limbo. Typical cheater move by the way blame everyone else. I feel like an annoyance. Stay busy, work hard, be nice to him, be upbeat, DONT worry about what hes doing on his phone. And because of all those lies, they cant even reason with him about everything he is giving up. All that said, I feel like my kids need the dad back that they know. Any advice will be appreciated, thank you. Strong focused and determined. Thank you so much. Divorce. They may think they won. For context, I cheated and my wife and I worked through it. Biggest mistake I made was letting him be in control of us and me. I still have flashbacks and remain on alert. Its always women. K. I suggested the lawyer so you know your rights just in case. Because if he continues to cheat you have financially protected yourself. You are his wife. From what I have read he is a typical cheater. Ive felt this way for years. Let him start to see you in a different way. He basically blew me off and just kept saying ok whatever ok whatever. She had made a regular hole in our sex schedule to accommodate him! Stated out by spilling her guts to my husband about her partner, who was a man she had just stolen from another woman. Your H is playing a dangerous game I keep hoping he wakes up soon. EVERYTHING seems fine until I start to think about the OW and the fact that he may still be talking to her and disrespecting me to my face. But wait already did. So now the OW wont even allow him to have anything to do with me, including any civil relationship so we can raise our kids. I like him at home, so its SO hard to feel like I have to tell him to leave. Youre absolutely right. Its as if they become addicted to the affair, needing the constant high it brings, many times with total disregard for the betrayed spouse. Im a couple weeks late to this conversation, but have you considered telling him to stay home with the baby one night because you have plans? But he will never bring himself to admit that because all his allies have validated him based on his lies, that everything is my fault. His addiction. If I had that knowledge on D-day, I might have behaved differently but then again the SHOCK OF DISCOVERY is overwhelming. And I know THIS isnt what I want for my life, whatever it is he is doing. Major London fog. Ouch! When he doesnt have me, he seems to finally wake up. Please trust me on this (and everyone else here who would give you the same advice). I hope he comes to his senses. Document everything including his abandonment of you and kids. I dont know what to do. He wanted what he wanted. im praying that if we can give eachother time then we will be able to build a new relationship. K. I will contact Doug to give you my email address. Im going to be honest as painful as it is. I want to prove to him I can make changes on my end, but he doesnt seem to want to prove to me that I can trust him again. as if they were single or not a parent. Leaving you in limbo is unfair and its not a game. Its wholly infuriating once you realize you had so much power to fight back and didnt, and you realize they put you there and manipulated you to keep you there, too. Some spouses (women included) do not grow up and mature after they have children. And when she told me they were s seeing each other it explained everything. Rock bottom is when they have nothing left to lose. We live as roommates. I do think he is in communication with her though and im honestly afraid to know for sure bc I know what it feels like to see it with my own eyes in his phone, and I dont want to do that to myself again. Something triggers the thought of him and whats happening and all of a sudden I couldnt control my thoughts and my sadness. Just remember he is addicted to his new lifestyle. I told him he no longer had any decision making ability when it came to me and I was D him. I feel like he wont ever feel that way again. This is not my Hs first EA and this one became a PA. My question is this, Someone that is continually making the same poor decisions, will they come out of the FOG?? And you can tell him one day its okay by me if you want to leave. It would be better to tell him that you love him dearly but you must separate until he decides what he wants 100% commitment to you or else there is no reason to continue being married. I think you may have been the best thing to happen to me right now. That is when he would swear he did not want to leave. You can only change how you react to him. Then she set her sights on my husband and he was totally infatuated. I dont even want to focus on all the ways hes hurt me, I just want to feel okay in my own skin right now and maybe he will see that and feel a connection again, regardless, I cant have days like today. Given equal emotional connection, his investment in his wife and family is much more important than any investment in the OW. It was his bad choice and his unhappiness and his defective moral character. He never saw me with an I dont give a crap attitude towards him before. I wanted to know if there is a way to contact you via email..? Like I said, hes never waivered from saying he felt absolutely nothing for her, but he also never waivered from anything I cant prove in black & white, tangible, irrefutable evidence. I redefined my role as his W. I do not back down any more. My friend came to me and let me sob on her shoulder while she told me how she and her H had gotten thru an affair 30 years before, which entailed him moving out and in with the local bartender. And you cannot live like that. And if im there calling the shots. I guess all I can do is work on ME and try to be the best place for him to be! And I just have to stick to my guns I guess, as hard as it is. Everybodys got to realize that no matter what you try, more than likelyits not going to happen right away. For two months I acted controlled and transparent. A clear understanding of what you are legally entitled to in case of a D. Alimony and child support. I had kids on summer break and every day had to pretend all was ok. Honestly, I tried to even make it a better life than what we had. We were cordial, didnt say much to eachother. Just know for now you need to get yourself away from his infidelity that will save your sanity. I outed his whores on their Facebook pages I had nothing to hide or lie about funny they shut down their pages as if that changed what they did or how nasty they were to me . I told him he isnt even sorry about it and he got really mad. 3 Signs of a Midlife Crisis Coming to an End - What to get Unfortunately I was. She doesnt trust him. I wish I had walked out in the first 60 to 90 days of his online obsession affair with someone else. You deserve better. I didnt really want to talk, I said I didnt feel good and was going to work from home. It blows my MIND. Nothing changed. I needed 90 days to get my finances in order. I make sure I am in control off my life. Which isnt true. And it seems like at moments he is completely out of the fog, he seems to be here, himself, wanting to be here, enjoying it. He has initiated sex a few times and slept in bed a few times, but the majority of time on the couch. Instead of feeling satisfied, however, he felt trapped. And then the behavior escalated and he was walking out the door. I just cant figure out why Im regressing in my emotional state. But in an altered state they believe they are fine. Everytime he wants to have sex, and God he wants to have sex all the time he is here with me, it;s like that all he wants to talk about (btw long distance relationship) with me I feel angry and grossed out. No kids, no responsibility, party lifestyle etc. It was a combination of things. Its funny you said those 2 options bc during our argument the other day he said something like we will never get past this unless you see it my way, or something like that. HE ALREADY IS ONE FOOT OUT THE DOOR ON YOUR M! I feel a tight pain in my chest, im finding it hard to breathe and I cannot focus. Dont hit rock bottom b/c someone in your life has decided THEY are confused and dont know what they want. He texted me and said he would be home in 15 mins. And he was like I wanted to be home with the baby..and I looked at him and laughed and I said but you werent..you went out. and he was like well ya but I wasnt out late! I have always been the most important person to him, I know he has loved me more than he loved ANYONE in his life, like I was just the one thing that really mattered, and now I feel like I dont matter and im so confused by that. I so badly dont want to be disrespected by him so I am assuming things and (like him and her talking) and I am flipping out, in hopes he will see I wont be a doormat, but then a day later I calm down and I want him around and I am more myself. You can also subscribe without commenting. When I was pregnant and this all first happened, I should have absolutely stuck to kicking him out. I hope that it is. At this point we decided he will move out, I told him he could stay but he said it doesnt work and he has no freedom there. He told me I only married him to spite my parents. She tried to keep contact happening but I blocked her number and in the end she got the message. He says he knows he was wrong and he wishes he had never even given in to affair, etc, but that he felt unappreciated in our marriage and wishes he had spoken up. When I finally exploded and did not speak to him for days he finally knew I was furious and ended it. I believe he would have been totally happy living a double life but I foiled his plan. I tried leaving a reply a little bit ago but it didnt seem to work. Calm and rational. I dont talk to him, but sometimes my emotions get the best of me as Im trying to deal with surviving this entire ordeal and Ill send him a how horrible can you be text message. Im glad I found this blog, so I could vent safely! He is still to let me know what his result came up to. When I was asking for is to go to counseling he said no. I have a close friend that cheated and is not 18 months post him coming clean and his wife calling it quits. If you wait until you get mad enough to do it first, the damage is done. Or someone who has high standards or morals. Love you but not in love and all the crap the cheater tells you. But i do feel like he tests me, does that seem plausible? Still in the same bed. You just told me not to obsess over her anymore and here I am completely obsessing. And then went running back to her in the fall. Hopefully this fog clears at some point. I do not actually feel like cheating. But it was my Hs idea to change. Living the single life. Do not let him blame you for any results b/c that is blameshifting and cheaters love to cast the Blame for their A on everyone else. I need to do the 180 and completely stick to it. I can tell from what you have posted you truly understand this is all his doing. Or prettier. He did not know what he wanted. WebMany of the symptoms of midlife crisis are due to hormonal imbalances that can cause anxiety or depression. And thats fine, I mean I dont even know. Maybe he feels differently, but I doubt it. I think the issues stem the fact that he thought that because we were in contact we were still in a relationship. Right now he still doesnt care if he loses me. While your husband may want a divorce, that doesnt mean you do and it doesnt mean you have to just give it to him. My CH has an exceptionally hard head. A team player. I cannot continue feeling like im being walked all over, and I dont think he knowingly walks all over me, but its just how I feel when my HUSBAND cant even treat me like his wife. Sorry for rambling, this has been such an awful day. Boo Frickin Hoo! It blows my mind honestly. I dont even think he thinks about this the way I do. I havent heard from him today, which is upsetting because normally he would text in the morning. So im just going to stick to this 180, be CONSISTENT in my actions and reactions as much as possible and see where it gets us. The fog has a powerful hold on the CS. Now we are married (family influence I think and I kind of got blackmailed into it by him and my older sister with the nude pictures he had seen before when I asked for us to postpone the wedding) its just a rollercoaster of accusations driving me to do things everytime I start falling back in love with him. K. The other thing that I said to my H during his A and A fog and false reconciliation and the times he said he wanted a D was this. I dont know if there is one OW or more (or any). She said that it was a form of escape and that she would end it. A curious and frustrating (for the BS) frame of mind the cheater goes through while in the midst of their affair. It is not about control. Now your H may use any of this as an excuse. When I wanted to get in a relationship, I sat him down and told him that the contact had to minimize because I am moving on. I hope you have a counselor or someone you can see to support you. Tells us that he has no contact with her outside work. He was no longer a bit arrogant. But would go back to treating me horribly a few days later. He was SERIOUSLY the best guy ever, before the OW. Not open to discussion. Innocent my arse!!!!! Shes not been complete gone if you ask me. So, I guess, both of us, in dead end street & whatever we do in future, the outcome might be the similar. My world fell apart that day..there is no way I had the where with all to pull my husband out of his fog. Talked to a coach on the phone from this outfit 3 months after the workshop, and when asked if we wanted to save our marriage, I responded a resounding Yes! H..I dont know. Well I agree and if I had to do it over it would be different. I kept my sanity and wits and made good decisions. You will never trust the cheater 100% but you can reconcile and trust 98%. Your baby needs one functioning happy parent who is going to put the childs needs first at all times. By the end of 6 months I could have lived a year with my children if he didnt pay me a dime.

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