There are no innocent victims. 23. Electricity is really just organized lightning. Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. It was stolen!" The upper class keeps all of the money, pays none of the taxes. I like people who buck the system. Save the planet? 'Cause everything in this country is king size, extra-large and super jumbo. You will do things in the name of a group that you would never do on your own. Thats all it is. I'll give ya somethin' to put in your mouth!" Just like homeless people. That would be a nice realistic campaign slogan for somebody: The public sucks. 13. Are these people kidding? You ever notice that? But you ever notice there's no war on homelessness, is there? 12. Men are insecure about the size of their dicks, and so they have to kill one another over the idea. Thank God for that. Well, not overnight, you can't see the sun at night. Everybody says they suck. You have owners. Live and let live. An example of data being processed may be a unique identifier stored in a cookie. Theyve long since bought, and paid for the Senate, the Congress, the State houses, the city halls, they got the judges in their back pockets and they own all the big media companies, so they control just about all of the news and information you get to hear. George Carlin, 63. Weve added years to life, not life to years. George Carlin, 6. Maybe a little Styrofoam. And that's fine. Where would we be without our safe, familiar, American bullshit? You see all, sooner or later. They just care about having a comfortable place. So at best the sanctity of life is kind of a selective thing. "Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.". Its been here over four billion years The planet isnt goin anywhere, folks. Awfully sorry.. Name six ways we're better than chickens See, nobody can do it! We won the big game today, yes sir! But youll see guys with red hair named Duffy going, Whats happenin?. Life gets really simple once you cut out all the bull shit they teach you in school. George Carlin. Only once have I lost my cool. 25. It creates a hostile work environment." No kidding. If its true that our species is alone in the universe, then Id have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little. You dont. Here's some bumper stickers I'd like to see: We are the proud parents of a child whose self esteem is sufficient that he doesn't need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car. Call me! You see all, sooner or later. If you live on this planet, you're guilty, period, fuck you, end of report, next case. We have multiplied our possessions but reduced our values. If you're preborn, you're fine; if you're preschool, you're f**ked." "Once you leave the womb, conservatives don't care about you until you reach military age. These people call themselves "right to lifers." Term limits ain't going to do any good; you're just going to end up with a brand new bunch of selfish, ignorant Americans. Doesn't it seem a little arrogant? I gave up on my countrymen. That's all we've ever had in this country, is a bill of temporary privileges. They say, "oh, we're going for a nature walk. That's my motto. Republicans have been trying to get people to work for no pay for a long time. But there is an I in independence, individuality, and integrity. George Carlin, 14. 14. Who said so? We won the big game today, yes sir!" its only a symbol. Keep your circle small. They all said: Try to live together peacefully. BAM! Laugh often, long and loud. George Carlin's acerbic wit and profound societal insights were a one time cultural phenomenon. But it can't happen, "I want to live my next life backwards: You start out dead and get that out of the way. It simply does not give a fuck about you! Don't you love that phrase? You still need a note to get laid. Rights aren't rights if someone can take them away. The planet is fine. They don't give a fuck about you. If people stand in a circle long enough, they'll eventually begin to dance. In this blog post, weve compiled some of his most compelling quotes on the subject for you to consider as well! Or "Jesus, Can You Believe It's Christmas Again?" You know the best thing about necrophilia? They own, and control the corporations. Couples whose children's names all start with the same initials. People who see life as anything more than pure entertainment are missing the point. War is rich old men protecting their property by sending middle-class and lower-class men off to die. George Carlin, 78. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.". But even after the egg is fertilized, it's still six or seven days before it reaches the uterus and pregnancy begins, and not every egg makes it that far. If Easter Island gives us some crap tomorrow, we have a plan in a computer that tells us exactly how to thoroughly bomb the shit out of Easter Island. And if they tell you youre not a team player, congratulate them on being observant. Pro-life conservatives are obsessed with the fetus from conception to nine months. You don't. You have no choice. 35. Apparently, were not ready for that! George Carlin, 72. This country is full of nitwits and assholes. You dont have to be a historian or a political scientist to see the bigger-dick foreign policy at work. He said "Hi folks, I'm completely full of shit and how do ya like that?" Dont you just wanna puke in your soup when one of these fat, balding, overweight, overaged, out of shape, middle aged, male movie stars with sunglasses jumps onstage and starts blowing into a harmonica? But you'll see guys with red hair named Duffy going, "What's happenin'?". You know how we got it? Everything He ever makes dies., 9. 19. I guess if they are going to force those kids to pray in schools they might as well have a nice prayer like this: Our Father who art in heaven, and to the republic for which it stands, thy kingdom come, one nation indivisible as in heaven, give us this day as we forgive those who so proudly we hail. My advice: just keep moving straight ahead. ""This is a little prayer dedicated to the separation of church and state. Heres some bumper stickers Id like to see: We are the proud parents of a child whose self esteem is sufficient that he doesnt need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car. We are the proud parents of a child who has resisted his teachers attempts to break his spirit and bend him to the will of his corporate masters. We have a daughter in public school who hasnt been knocked up yet. We have a son in public school who hasnt shot any of his classmates yet. Crown thy good into temptation but deliver us from the twilight's last gleaming. Yeup, sooner or later the people in this country are going to realize the government doesn't give a fuck about them. He was born May 12, 1937, in New York City into an Irish Catholic family, but he rejected the faith. Produced by Will Reid and Michael Simon Johnson. We have a daughter in public school who hasn't been knocked up yet. 15. 'You give us a color, we'll wipe it out. The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but Im just not close enough to get the job done.. Electricity is really just organized lightning. George Carlin, 20. That's what all that adolescent, macho, male posturing and strutting in bars and locker rooms is all about. I never fucked a 10, but one night I fucked 5 twos! ""The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post 'Thou shalt not steal,' 'Thou shalt not commit adultery,' and 'Thou shalt not lie' in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. "Hey! No, viruses, mold, mildew, maggots, fungus, weeds, E. Coli bacteria, the crabs. Tell him you've been coming there for 10 years and none of your wishes have come true. It's all over the language now "pre"-this, "pre"-that, place the turkey in a "pre-heated" oven. George Carlin was one of the most iconic comedians of all time and he had a lot to say about government. Share your thoughts in the comments below! But he does sell drugs to your honor student. They can't stand the fact that they might have been stupid enough to have lost something. Sneezy was a full blown coke freak. Next time you're at a wishing well. And that of course was at the end of the Civil War. It's interested in its own power, that's the only thing, keeping it and expanding it wherever possible. You rarely see a bumper sticker that says: Save the tumors. Or I brake for advanced melanoma. No, viruses, mold, mildew, maggots, fungus, weeds, E. Coli bacteria, the crabs. George Carlin Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck. But there is an I in independence, individuality and integrity. The best (and funniest) George Carlin Quotes on politics, life & death and of course the American government And for billions and billions of years, the Divine Plan has been doing just fine. Everything's been sanitized now and cleaned up. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often. When youre born you get a ticket to the freak show. As we saw from my piece on Louis C.K. Here's my problem with the Ten Commandments: why are there ten? See, the really hardcore people will tell you life begins at fertilization. 26. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor. George Carlin, 49. You see all, sooner or later. "Well, it's God's will." Contents 1 Quotes 1.1 FM & AM (1972) Fairly simple thing. 31. Let's face it, we have very little to work with. They say, 'If you don't vote, you have no right to complain,' but where's the logic in that? '""The difference between left and right of centeroriginated in the Frenchparliament. Laugh until you gasp for breath. George Carlin, 3. You never hear them say "Jesus made me drop the ball." In the end, there are people who don't fit into the marketplace and are not equipped. No neonatal care, no daycare, no head start, no school lunch, no food stamps, no welfare, no nothing. So we keep ourselves limited. And these people with the fires and the floods and everything, they overbuild, they put nature to the test and they get what's coming to them. During bombing raids in Iraq, the media liked to say that Saddam Hussein used people as, The fanatics have another name for fetuses. Every now and then you find yourself in a different place. George Carlin, 31. ""Once you leave the womb, conservatives don't care about you until you reach military age. Couldn't you just skip the praying part and go right to His Will? And, by the way, theres nothing wrong with the planet in the first place. Forget the politicians. Whether you agree with him or not, Carlins views are definitely worth considering. Just for you? That's a good combination! Pack your shit, were goin away. A brain surgeon with "Born to Lose" tattooed on his hands. Because everyone is trying to save the planet. Are these fucking people kidding me? Offer good while supplies last. To me, war is a lot of prick-waving! Hindus, Muslims, Jews, Christians; all taking turns killing each other because God told 'em it was a good idea. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong. One of the more pretentious political self-descriptions is "libertarian". When are they gonna outlaw this shit? ""Now, there's one thing you might have noticed I don't complain about: politicians. All the media and the politicians ever talk about is things that separate us, things that make us different from one another. George Carlin, 69. Plus he knocked up your daughter. Don't let me be attacked by a maniac wearing a french tickler and a space helmet. That's why we have a drug problem, I feel; it's because everyone has access to drugsit's all those DRUG stores, right? I sit there laughing and they go to waste. <style>.woocommerce-product-gallery{ opacity: 1 !important; }</style> Lets get started! I can't wait for some of these cities to disappear. Let me arrive safely back at my hotel room. Were gonna save the fuckin planet? That's all the media and the politicians are ever talking aboutthe things that separate us, things that make us different from one another. Deal with it. In fact, sometimes you get the impression that theyre the only ones who vote. They don't care about the planet in theory. We and our partners use data for Personalised ads and content, ad and content measurement, audience insights and product development. Fucking is legal. So let me ask you something: how's everybody doing tonight, huh? There's a reason for this, there's a reason education. Yeah, usually they're already there. Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac? George Carlin, 41. Bullshit is rampant. Have you noticed that there are some people, who when they lose something, their first reaction is that it had to be stolen? Religion is just trying to control your mind, control your thoughts, so theyre gonna tell you some things you shouldnt say because theyresins. Leave these fucking people alone for Christs sake. I decided to look around for something else to worship. I think "spokesman" ought to be "spokesperson," I think "chairman" ought to be "chairperson," I think "mankind" ought to be "humankind." Are people's lives so bankrupt they sit at home looking at things they already DID? "One thing leads to another"? This country is full of nitwits and assholes. If you vote, and you elect dishonest, incompetent politicians, and they get into office and screw everything up, you are responsible for what they have done. 42. Then you become a baby, and then You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in spa-like conditions central heating, room service on tap, and then You finish off as an orgasm. Well who has less abortions than homosexuals? Elect me." ""Bipartisan usually means that a larger-than-usual deception is being carried out. 38. Doc was a connection. But a casual fan has no way of knowing, and it bothers me that some people might believe I'd actually be capable of writing some of this stuff. It's a shame everything has to have a label. And of course, the bombs and the rockets and the bullets are all shaped like dicks.
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